IS THE MAN PROMOTING "REVERSE MORTGAGES" FULL OF BOLOGNA

Please excuse my ‘corny’ play on words in the title of this story but as this tale unfolds you’ll see it’s a fit description of the events that transpired at the seminar I attended yesterday.

My last book, “The Adventures Of A Free Lunch Junkie” which I published almost two years ago was a satiric description of my attendance at 50 seminars offering free lunches, dinners and breakfasts from Miami Beach to Palm Beach. I really enjoyed doing the research for this book, not just for the free food but also because each event turned out to be very entertaining.

And so when I received an invitation in the mail last week to attend a free lunch seminar at Ben’s Delicatessen, which is just down the road, I couldn’t kick the habit. The dream of an over sized pastrami sandwich on rye with a dab of mustard was like a taste of white powder to a junkie. 

I called to make a registration and thankfully there was still room for me on January 17th. 

OUTSIDE OF BEN'S DELICATESSEN

      It wasn’t all ‘cakes and ale’ because I had been to this very same promoter’s Reverse Mortgage Seminar in 2010 and I was afraid Dave would recognize me as I entered the private dining area at Ben’s at 12:00 pm sharp. But he greeted me with a big smile and open arms and provided me with a brochure packed with scads of information about Reverse Mortgages.

I entered the room, took a seat at a table for six, and eagerly scanned the Special Menu that stared up at me from the white paper place mat on the table. My heart sank, my stomach gurgled. The closest thing on the menu to one of Ben’s famous over sized pastrami sandwiches was a bologna and egg sandwich. I was reminded of my foray in May 2010 into Dave’s seminar at The Cheesecake Factory when I had visions of a platter of fried chicken, with biscuits and gravy topped off with a large slice of their fabulous cheesecake and wound up with a chopped salad. How could I trust what Dave has to say about Reverse Mortgages after being disappointed so bitterly on two occasions.

My disposition was softened since the menu included a bowl of matzo ball soup and garlic pickles. A waiter took my soup and sandwich order, but when I asked for Dr. Brown’s cream soda the waitress told  me only fountain drinks were available. Strike two, Dave.

But I’m a bigger man than Dave and I decided to listen to his spiel with an open mind, and a half empty stomach.

The man next to me coughed. Then he coughed again. It’s flu season and the last thing in the world I need is to catch it. I immediately got up and joined two ladies at a nearby table. One of them greeted me with a cough. “Have you just had the flu?” I asked. “Yes”, she smilingly replied, “but I’m over it.” 

At my third table the occupants seemed healthy enough so I sat back to listen to the lecture wondering how long it would be before lunch was served. Well, it wasn’t until 2:00 pm that the embarrassed sandwich made its late appearance and for the better part of two hours I had to listen to why a Reverse Mortgage was the best thing since “chopped liver”.

IT'S ONE THIRTY AND AS YOU CAN SEE
THERE'S NOTHING ON THE TABLE TO EAT

I won’t bore you with the details of Dave’s presentation. As the minutes ticked by it was difficult to tell which of the 30 some odd senior citizens where there to get information or a free sandwich. As the hungry crowd grew more restless Dave promised, “The food should be walking through the door any second”.

At 1:35 pm a murmur went through the room as the waiters entered with bowls of pickles for each table. Ben’s sour pickles are “to die for”.

At 1:40 pm the rye bread entered.

At 1:45 pm the creamy cole slaw made its appearance.

At 1:49 pm bowls of soup (matzo ball or mushroom and barley) hit the tables and were eagerly slurped up.

At 1:54 pm Dave started going around the room with an appointment book in hand to try and get the guests to make a definite appointment to have him come to their house to find out more about the program and hopefully sign up for a mortgage. I told him to call me next week. I wonder if you ask Dave to come to your house if you have to provide lunch. Some people made appointments but it was impossible to tell how many did. 

Dave never once mentioned how much his fee was for arranging the mortgage, but in the Q. & A., after much hemming and hawing, he told me it would be about $8,000 for a $600,000 mortgage. Come on Dave, eight thousand dollars would buy an awful lot of overstuffed pastrami sandwiches.

At 1:54 pm the waiters brought around empty plastic bowls for the guests to take uneaten food home “for later”.

At 2:04 pm the main course arrived. My bologna and egg sandwich made its appearance.

       I ate half and took half home for the cat - - - who devoured it. Perhaps he’d be interested in a Reverse Mortgage.

All in all it was two hours well spent. My table mates were convivial and the food was fine, if a bit disappointing. I won’t let Dave in my house, not because he isn’t a nice man , but because  I can tell he’s a bulldog and I could never get him to leave.