FUNERALS "R" US

     The widespread appeal of my March 18, 2013 blog, “DYING FOR DUMMIES” has lead to Earl’s Pearls receiving its first commercial client whose Banner Ads will start appearing shortly in this space. The head of advertising for FUNERALS "R" US called yesterday and we’ve agreed upon a three-month trial in which Earl’s Pearls will receive a bounty for each body that comes to rest at FUNERALS "R" US.

The company offers three classes of service to accommodate their customers i.e. BUDGET, BETTER, BEST. Listed below are the differences between each class.

MOURNERS PROVIDED:

  BUDGET: Up to 10 mourners provided, dressed Wal-Mart or better.

  BETTER: Up to 30 mourners provided, dressed Joseph A. Banks or                    better.

  BEST: Up to 50 mourners provided, dressed Armani or better.

LIMOUSINES PROVIDED:

  BUDGET: Lincoln Town Cars

  BETTER: Cadillac limousines

  BEST:  Mercedes Stretch limousines

PRIVATE FAMILY WAITING ROOM:

  BUDGET: 20 folding chairs

  BETTER: 35 plush chairs and mini-bar with soft drinks

  BEST:  65 plush armchairs and mini-bar with soft drinks and liquor.

FLOWERS:

  BUDGET: Three vases with arrangements from recent funeral

  BETTER: Six vases with arrangements from funeral on same day

  BEST: Nine vases with arrangements fresh that day

EULOGIES:

  BUDGET: Guaranty of two people who have a high-school diploma or better will praise the deceased

  BETTER: Guaranty of four speakers who have attended college

  BEST: Celebrity eulogist: Senator Fred Thompson or better

REMEMRANCES:

  BUDGET: One engraved shovel

  BETTER: Two engraved shovels

  BEST: Two engraved shovels, the green canopy and a video of the ceremony.

PUBLICITY:

  BUDGET: Twenty-word obituary in local newspaper.

  BETTER: Twenty-word obituary in The New York Times.

  BEST:  Fifty-word obituary in The New York Times and photo.

WAYS TO OFFSET THE COST OF THE FUNERAL:

  BUDGET: Join our facebook site with a “like”

  BETTER: Have a small jewelry booth in the Funeral Home

  BEST: Have models from Neiman Marcus parade up and down the aisles as the guests are being seated

CREMATION SERVICES:

  BUDGET: Low flame

  BETTER: Medium flame

  BEST: High flame

CHOICE OF URN:

  BUDGET: Big Lots

  BETTER: Pottery Barn

  BEST: Neiman-Marcus

To ascertain the prices for each of these three classes of funeral services email   artist1926@earthlink.net.  A salesman will call.

LET US PUT THE FUN BACK IN FUNERALS!!!