A TAUCK TOUR TO HELL

I am Jewish, but not observant. I feel a deep kinship to Jews who have suffered religious persecution down through the ages and particularly to those who endured the Holocaust. 

My mother was born 75 miles north of Warsaw, but escaped the Russian pogroms when she was eight by riding with her mother in the back of a horse-drawn hay wagon (under the straw) to a North Sea port where they traveled in steerage for the difficult passage across the ocean. Her father had left earlier, and after having established himself in Brooklyn, sent money for Belle’s and Ida’s passage. I don’t know what members of the family may have stayed and what might have happened to them.

I’ve always wanted to put my feet on Polish soil and particularly to visit Auschwitz to pay tribute to those who suffered and died there. That’s why we signed up for a Tauck tour of Central and Eastern Europe, and a few months later wound up at the infamous gate to Auschwitz.

ARBIET MACHT FREI

(W O R K   B R I N G S  F R E E D O M)

As we passed through the entrance to the former Nazi concentration camp, and present day memorial and museum, I burst into tears. It was going to be a difficult afternoon. We split into two groups and a young woman, whose family had suffered at the hands of the Nazis, led our section into the camp (each of us clutching a white rose that we were given to lay wherever we wanted).
    We trudged through the villanous gate at the entrance to the camp and then from building to building. We listened in silence as our guide emotionally described the shocking sights that passed before our eyes: 

the wall where Jews were lined up and shot, 

the ovens, 

vast collections of eyeglasses, shoes, 
              utensils, human hair, 
           valises (bearing the names of the owners) 

and the buildings where Dr. Josef Mengele conducted his abominable experiments on adults and children.

We were shown the Commandant’s house where he lived with his wife and their children who amused themselves by playing outside on the killing grounds. He met his fate after the war ––– the stark gallows on the grounds of Auschwitz bearing silent testimony to his demise.

If going through Auschwitz was difficult, visiting Bierkenau was even more so. This nearby camp’s ovens cremated the gassed remains of hundreds of thousands of women, men and children. I was too tired, physically and emotionally, to walk to the outlying buildings. I’d seen captured Nazi films taken in these barracks showing skin and bones figures lying on triple–decker wooden beds and the sight haunted me.

I sat on the very railroad tracks that brought people into the camp some sixty odd years ago and tried to imagine what it might have been like to be herded into a box car, travelling for days without food or water, without knowing what lay ahead, and finally passing over these tracks to the unloading platform area a hundred yards ahead.

       I picked up a stone from the ground to take home and have it placed on my gravesite.

HOW TO GET A FREE BREAKFAST – PART II > From Toyota to IHOP to SWEET TOMATOES to Neiman Marcus

       Last week I told my readers how to get a free breakfast at their Toyota dealer. Well, that “freebie” was only for bagels, cream cheese and coffee. Here’s the ‘whole enchilada’:

If you’d love to enjoy a breakfast consisting of 2 eggs, 2 bacon strips, 2 pork sausages links, and 2 buttermilk pancakes topped with delicious red-ripe strawberries - - - and not have to pay a red cent - - - just join IHOP’s ONLINE CLUB and they’ll send you a coupon on your birthday.      
     If your birthday is too many months away, just pick an earlier date - - - they’ll never know the difference.

My 87th birthday is next week and I’m going to celebrate that morning under the blue-tiled-roof of this worldwide pancake emporium. I bet the restaurant will be full up with other Capricorns. Here’s what the coupon looked like :

P.S. Just after I finished writing this post I received the following E-mail:

Dear Earl,

     They say it's your birthday! And what better way to celebrate it than with us. (After all, if you eat healthy, you just might live longer.)

     To celebrate this special occasion, just print this email and bring it in to receive your Free Meal!

Enjoy,

      Now, it just so happens that SWEET TOMATOES is my favorite restaurant. It’s buffet style all-u-can eat salad bar serves as fine a salad as any restaurant in Boca. And what better way to spend my birthday next week, after enjoying a free breakfast at IHOP, would be to have lunch at SWEET TOMATOES.

  Unfortunately, SWEET TOMATOES’ offer is a bit on the chintzy side, as you only get a free mail if you buy another meal at the same time, AND you have to buy two beverages. 

This half-assed free offer presents a conflict. I usually have my birthday lunch with my old friend, Maury Fulton. We go to Neiman Marcus, sit at the bar, enjoy those piping hot popovers and he picks up the tab.

   So, I’m going to pass up SWEET TOMATOES’ parsimonious proffer and have lunch with Maury.

To cap off the day, our friend, Deena Cohen (Alan's better half), is going to prepare my traditional birthday meal of steak, baked potatoes and lima beans.

I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY 87TH BIRTHDAY.

HOW TO GET A FREE BREAKFAST

My latest book, “The Adventurers Of A Free Lunch Junkie” has touched a responsive chord among those seeking ways to stretch their budgets as it described how I had 50 lunches and dinners “on the house” at restaurants such as Ruth’s Chris, Morton’s etc. 

While it might be stretching it a bit to call the book a runaway bestseller, I have sold more copies on Amazon than I have given away. Therefore, I decided to add a breakfast edition. Would you like to know how to start off the morning with a smile on your face, a full stomach, and not have to open your wallet? I can hear the resounding, “Yeahs” all the way to Boca Raton.

I must admit I stumbled on my first breakfast ‘freebie’, but that doesn’t diminish its value. The brakes on my Toyota Matrix (2006 model with 22,000 miles) started to act up so I drove to my Toyota dealer. The showroom and service department are gleaming edifices and you can tell they overcharge on everything in order to be able to shell out so many bucks on this automotive palace. 

I left my car with Tim, a pleasant service attendant, and told him my car’s problem. He replied that it would be an hour before they would have my car diagnosed. I didn’t mind the wait because I remembered that they serve free bagels, cream cheese and coffee to the waiting disabled-car owners. I don’t know how many bagels I ate but I was trying to get ahead of the game before the bill came. 

An hour later Tim reported that the brakes were OK but would need replacement very soon and that it might be best to get it done now. The mechanics had taken all the wheels off and checked everything. Since I don’t plan to use the car very much I told him that I’d wait awhile. He said, “Fine” and that my car would be ready in 20 minutes, which gave me just enough time to get another bagel and coffee.

I felt like the man on death row who ate a hearty meal as he awaited the executioner, as I tried to guess how much I’d be on the hook for. At the Cashier’s Desk the young woman printed out a sheet for me to sign. The total bill came to zero. Yes, there wasn’t any charge for all that work. You might wonder whether I felt guilty about all the food I had eaten. Well, in this business there isn’t any room for guilt.

So now whenever you feel like a free breakfast take your car in to your nearest Toyota dealer and make up a story about something being wrong with your car. 

       Bon appétit.

NEIMAN MARCUS HELPS YOU COME OUT OF THE CLOSET

TO: OBAMA, BOEHNER & ALL CONGRESSMAN: 

I have the solution to all our country’s problems about the “financial cliff” and the budget deficit. Those guys in Washington just can’t seem to work together so I’m submitting a foolproof (and I use the word advisedly) solution.

First, let’s tackle the question of corporate tax rates. Almost all of the major U.S. corporations pay either zero federal income taxes to Un-cle Sam or pay much less than the stated tax rates because they “cook” their books to show that their earnings come mostly from their overseas subsidiaries. General Electric pays “zip”; Apple pays very little. Everyone knows it’s just an accounting gimmick to over-allocate income to their overseas subsidiaries and over-allocate overhead expenses to the U.S. parent company. It’s taught in Accounting 101. 

This country’s problem is JOBS and part of my solution is to require every major U.S. corporation to hire American workers (and train them if necessary) based upon a ratio of what tax rate they actually pay compared to the stated rate. I’ll leave the math to those more qualified. This alone should bring the Unemployment Rate down a few percentage points.

My second solution is unique, perhaps quixotic I admit, but I believe it has merit and it is painless for all concerned. Basically, the gov-ernment should pressure the super wealthy to SPEND MORE MONEY EACH YEAR. They can spend it anything they want, preferably on U.S. goods and services. This will shovel enormous sums into out economy and create jobs. I know naysayers will retort that the super rich already have everything and ask what additional could they buy. Well that’s their problem. * 

IF THEY BUY, OTHERS WILL HAVE JOBS.

Conspicuous consumption will be a badge of honor.

If they don’t spend a certain amount each year, based on the amount of their wealth (including offshore accounts) then they will be subject to an additional tax. If they pay a lower income tax effective rate than Warren Buffet’s secretary or than Joe the Plumber they have to spend even more.

My third solution is to prohibit mergers and acquisitions for one year, because one of the main drivers of the merger craze is to combine entities and fire “excess” employees. I know about this personally because my position at an acquired company was deemed excess (after 17 years of service) and I was fired. George Romney’s Bain Capital, and others of that ilk, can take a one-year respite from acquiring and firing. George and his act-a-likes can spend the year spending their money to comply with my second suggestion, and we’ll kill two birds with one stone.

I assume that since the circulation of my Blog has grown so much that at the very least one of my readers is on a first name basis with Barack, John, Paul, Joe, Nancy or that guy in the Senate, and that person will forward this list of suggestions to them. I’m keeping my phone line clear.

* After I had finished writing this story I happened to come across an article in a glossy Boca fashion and style magazine directed towards upper income families. Whereas, I had stated that “let the very rich find their own ways to spend more money” I can’t resist coming up with one suggestion for them from the pages of this magazine. Neiman Marcus has teamed up with a few hotels to provide a service for incoming guests so they won’t have to take their own clothes and accessories with them when they travel. The guest just fills out a questionnaire prior to arrival as to sizes, body type, likes and dislikes (including answering questions such as, “Do you like to take fashion risks?) and Neiman stocks their closet with everything from shoes to bags to clothes to anything else from the store their little hearts might desire. The guest can purchase any of the items or have them returned. The closet service is available for men and women. This is another version of “coming out of the closet”.   In case you don't believe me:

STEPHANE'S RESTAURANT VS. STEAK 'n SHAKE - PART II

You may remember reading my Blog on January 1, 2013 that described Judy’s and my New Year’s Eve dinner at Stéphane’s upscale restaurant. To recap, we suffered through servings of cold French fries and unsavory creamed spinach. I ended the review with a comment that I had received a coupon from Steak ‘n Shake for a free burger and fries and that I would check out how the two eating establishments com-pared. I am a proud member of their Online Club and the president of the Club sent this coupon to me for my upcoming birthday.

So good to my word, I drove to the nearest Steak ‘n Shake yesterday in almost breathless anticipation. As I entered the black and white tiled fast food parlor an elderly woman greeted me and showed me to a choice table by the window, which faced the parking lot. I don’t mean to make a value judgment but this hostess was a far cry from the trim young ladies who greeted us at Stépane’s and whose dresses were so tight they could hardly walk. 

My waitress was a very pleasant woman (Dorothy) who checked my coupon and said I was entitled to a free order of a, “Double Steak-burger with cheese and fries”. (On the menu this was a $3.99 item.) I decided to spring for a glass of ice tea ($1) so that I wouldn’t appear to be a “cheapskate” to Dorothy. I asked her if they had creamed spinach (to compare with our New Year’s Eve serving) and she looked at me as if I were a man from Mars so I decided not to press the point.

The restaurant was only partially full with customers who were dressed in very casual attire, befitting the time of day and the venue.

As I sipped the ice tea ($1), which was every bit as good as the $3 version I was served on New Years Eve, I eagerly awaited the French fries. WOULD THEY BE HOT OR COLD? I won’t leave you in suspense any longer - - - they were hot and tasty. I had Dorothy take this photo of me to memorialize the moment. 

From left to right: Earl Bronsteen, burger, hot fries, ice tea

I was sort of hoping that, since the restaurant personnel knew that this was my birthday, they’d surprise me with a slice of cake bedecked with candles and served by a group of singing waitresses, but I guess that’s expecting too much.

I always have trouble deciding how much to tip when I use a coupon. Even if I sprang for 40% of the total check ($1 ice tea plus 6% tax) perhaps Dorothy would think that was insufficient, especially since I had troubled her to take my photograph. I thought about waiting until I saw how much the man at a nearby table tipped, since I saw he had also presented a coupon. I finally made a decision and Dorothy and I will have to live with it.

On the way out I wished a Happy Birthday greeting to my fellow coupon holder as I passed by. 

You won’t believe how this story ends. When I got home I checked my email and, no I didn’t win the lottery, but there was an-other free coupon from Steak ‘n Shake in honor of their 75th anniversary. I can’t wait, but I’d prefer to go on a day that Dorothy isn’t work-ing.

P.S. The story didn’t end there (much as you wish it might have) as I had a coupon that was burning a hole in my pocket for $4 off per person at our favorite restaurant, Kyojin Grill. And that very same evening off we went for an unparalled freeloading double-header. And then, like manna falling from heaven, as I paid the check, our waitress gave me another coupon. 

COMPARISON CHART STEPHANE’S VS STEAK ’N SHAKE

STEPHANE’S          STEAK ’N SHAKE

Price of burger/fries	$16.00	$3.95
Price of ice tea	$ 3.00	$1.00
Are coupons available?	NO	YES
Are mussels available?	Yes & 2 for 1 on Mondays	No way
Quality of creamed spinach	N.G.	N/A
Décor of restaurant	Casual elegant	Casual antiseptic
Décor of hostesses	Slinky	Stinky
Table settings	Tableclothes/napkins, gleaming silverware	Paper place mat, silver- ware in paper napkin
View	None	Parking lot
Parking	Valet	Free self service
Service	Excellent	Excellent
Open for breakfast?	NO	Yes, with all U-can-eat pancakes at $3.99
Liquor license	Yes	No
Milkshakes	No	YES
AND THE WINNER IS		✔

Just kidding Stéphane. If you send me a free coupon I'll give you a better review.

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES

      As my family, friends and a few contemporary art lovers know I closed my 8,400 square foot art studio/gallery in Boca Raton several years ago after having a one-man show of my art at O.K. Harris in New York City. My "FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME" was more than I could possibly have imagined when I embarked on a second career 17 years prior to that one-man exhibition. Quite a few of my friends and family made the trek to Manhattan to witness this event, lured no doubt by the free meals and wine experienced over a two-day span in the summer of 2005. Unfortunately, no art critics came to review my show - - - or maybe it was fortunately - - - and my artistic efforts made not a ripple on the art world. I was reminded of the philosophical query, 

         "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

     I closed my studio several months later, not in a pique over the failure of the New York art cognoscinti to take notice acknowledge my existence (or at least acknowledge my existence, but because I felt I wanted to move on and try my hand at writing. The art world drew a collective sigh of relief and the literary world shuddered.

Closing my studio and having to dispose of the works I had created and lived among for 17 years was a wrenching experience. I used my studio as a gallery to show my work to visitors. Almost all my installations (room-sized environments) were too big for any individual to consider purchasing. My goal was to sell to museums and collectors who had mega-facilities. 
I wound up with a tremendous amount of “unsold inventory” that I had to dispose of 1) via sales of some of the smaller pieces to friends, 2) placing quite a few in our home, 3) storing some in a mini-warehouse, 
(4) selling off articles that I used in my installations to junk dealers (the mannequins for example),      

and 
5) trashing the rest in a dumpster.

    One of my earliest pieces, when I was just starting to make a transition from photography to installation art, was an 8 x 8 foot wall of photographs taken in Times Square. I spied a wall of chairs that had been attached by an artist along a long wall on 42nd street, and which invited passersby to step up and sit on the chairs that were raised off the ground. This very imaginative installation attracted people of all ages and sizes who spent moments or minutes suspended on the wall looking out at the world and the world looked back at them. I got up and sat self consciously in one of the chairs eating a hot dog from a nearby pushcart.

     This photograph shows how I lugged this work of art to a dumpster on its way to its final resting ground in a huge garage dump. Every now and then I drive past this mountain of refuse and pay my respects.

       I miss my studio. Those years were the happiest of my life, but I’ve found writing equally challenging and exhilarating _ _ _ and no more financially rewarding.

       I was prescient enough to have made a video of many of the pieces in my studio and when I happened to come across a Blog about my work as I was browsing the Internet I decided to reprint is as a way of introducing my art to those of my readers who are not familiar with it. There’s a link at the bottom of the article that will take you to this video. I tip my glass to anyone who makes the journey.

Earl Bronsteen – Conceptual Artist

 by easelyspeaking

I recently discovered an artist by the name of Earl Bronsteen, a 79 year- old conceptual artist from Boca Raton, FL. Before you read on, grab a glass of wine and get comfortable, Earl has developed a video tour of his 8000 square foot studio that I am sure you will find interesting. If you don’t have the time to view all 38 episodes, do take the time to view “rejection letters”, this is the epitome of the “glass half empty or half full”. 

To enjoy more of Earl’s work you can visit him at his web site: 

                       http://www.earlbronsteen.com/art.htmlA

P.S. The episode he refers to, “rejection letters”, that is shown in the photograph, consists of 450 rejection letters I received in my 17-year art career from museums, collectors and art critics. The map that can be seen at the far end of the wall of this exhibition at the Ft. Lauderdale Museum of Art uses pushpins to show the location of the “rejectors”. Most of 50 states harbored at least one rejector, and I am confident that if I had continued my art career I could have filled in the rest of the states.

STEPHANE'S RESTAURANT IN BOCA RATON. A FOOD CRITIC'S REVIEW

      It’s bright and early on New Year’s Day and I’d like to wish my readers all over the globe a Happy New Year and offer my best wishes for the 2013.

I thought it only fitting that I start off my Blog with a restaurant review since last night I took Judy out for dinner to usher in the New Year. Regardless of the fact that I am taste-challenged, due to years of chemo and old age, I’ll do my best.

Early in the week I decided to spring for a fancy dinner on 12/31/31. Judy likes nothing better than going out, getting dressed up and being with me, so I went to Open Table to search out a suitable restaurant that might have space available. Lo and behold most of the best restaurants in the area were all booked up, except at 4:30 p.m.

I was surprised to find that Stéphane's had room available - - - not only did they have a table available at the 6:30 p. m. time I requested, but they had a table available at every half hour all evening long. This made me suspicious but I booked the reservation (and earned a dollar as a member of Open Table in doing so, which will help offset the high prices).

Judy was very excited when I told her we were going out to celebrate New Year’s Eve and she approved of my choice of venues as we had been there before and she had enjoyed their specialty, mussels.

The evening started out felicitously enough as there was a free parking spot just steps away from the front door. I kept my head down as we walked past the valet attendants, who undoubtedly were working on New Year’s Eve to pay their sick mother’s hospital bills.

We entered the dining room and were greeted by three tight-fitted hostesses bedecked with New Year’s hats. As we were waiting to be taken to our table, a manager, or maybe Stéphane himself, interrupted to have us step aside so that he could take a picture of the young ladies. After he got a photo that satisfied him we were led to a lovely corner table.

The room was about half empty at 6:30 p.m. but did fill up as the evening progressed. Judy ordered mussels. As I wasn’t particularly hungry - - - and since good food is wasted on my incapacitated taste buds, I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, a cheeseburger with fries. We split a Caesar salad - - - Judy ordered anchovies (which were generously served).

I may not be able to critique even a hamburger platter because of my deficiency but I can tell the difference between hot and cold - - - and these fries were cold. The very nice waiter apologized and returned shortly with a steaming hot order. Judy loves creamed spinach and ordered a side order ($9). She didn’t like it but we didn’t complain. (It’s New Year’s Eve what the hell).

   After we had finished eating a bus-girl cleared the table and seeing the uneaten spinach ($9) inquired if something was wrong. Judy explained that she didn’t like the “cheesy” flavoring.

A few minutes later a manger came over to our table to tell us that he had taken the $9 off our tab and very politely asked why Judy didn’t like the spinach, saying this was the third variation the chef had tried. Well,  “A” for effort and “F” for execution.

Our check arrived and, since it was a festive evening, I left a 20% tip and even went so far as to include 20% for the uncharged $9 spinach.

I slunk past the valet attendants and we drove away in search of a Yogurt Emporium in which to cap off the evening festivities. Unfortunately, they were all closed and we drove home, watched a French detective series on Netflix, had a hot chocolate (me) and bid each other a Happy New Year.

My gastronomic adventure continued on New Year’s Day as the first email I received was from my friends at Steak ‘n Shake (I’m a member of their Club). They sent a coupon for a FREE double Steakburger with cheese and fries because of my upcoming birthday. I’ll check it out and see how it compares to Stéphane’s. I’ll bet the fries will be hot.



HAPPY NEW YEAR!