HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE GLOBE 12/14/12

REFORMA, a leading Mexican newspaper reported (in Spanish which Earl’s Pearls multi-lingual staff has translated into English) that the Philip Morris Company is secretly building a huge cigarette manufacturing plant in Northern Mexico to produce marijuana cigarettes. Permits for construction of the plant were obtained through the good offices of the same middlemen who helped Wal-Mart obtain permits for its stores in Mexico. An advertising agency has started work creating a worldwide program to establish the name, “Tijuana Gold By PM”. 

   Philip Morris officials refused to comment on the story. Their press representative was last seen walking unsteadily from a Short Range Planning Committee Meeting with a smile on her face and trailing a cloud of pungent, sweet and sour smoke.

世界新聞網-北美華文新聞、華商資訊, a leading Chinese daily, reported that Xi Jinping, the head of the Communist Party, promised the Chinese people that there will be a Peking Duck in every pot by the year 2016.  In the commodities markets duck futures rose 20% and it was rumored that relatives of Xi Jinping made a killing on the news. In the provinces, large bands of wild ducks were seen flying toward Tibet.

HAIR SPRAY NEWS reported today that Donald Trump was going to make a major announcement in the next few days. Industry sources speculated that “The Donald” would announce that since no one claimed the $5 million he offered for proof of Obama’s birth prior to the November Presidential Election the money had been burning a hole in the pockets of his custom-made Seville Row trousers and that he would take that money and open a chain of Men’s Hairstyle Salons around the world.

   This has been rumored for quite awhile but sources close to the multi-millionaire believe this would be a good time for him to try and overcome the bad press he received over both his political attack on the president and his statement on TV that, “In all my life I have never met anyone I like as much as myself.”