THAT'S THE SPIRIT

   The airline industry’s prestigious “THAT’S THE SPIRIT” award is presented each December at the association’s black tie dinner at The Waldorf Astoria Ballroom in New York City. The award is named, not as you might think after Charles Lindberg’s ‘Spirit of St. Louis’, but after Spirit Airlines in recognition of its leadership in reducing passenger comfort while at the same time raising prices.

      The award’s first recipient was Charles Odlum of Spirit Airlines for coming up with the idea of charging passengers for their carry-on bags. While other airlines at first scoffed at the idea, the nay-sayers were proved wrong and the practice has become universal, bringing in millions of dollars of revenue to the airline industry and increased pay for its CEO’s.

    The award’s second recipient was Charles Odlum of Spirit Airlines for coming up with the idea of charging passengers for the use of a blanket or pillow during their flight. He also devised the scheme of having the pilots of Spirit’s planes let more cold air into the cabins so that passengers would be more likely to rent-a-blanket.

    The award’s third recipient was Charles Odlum of Spirit Airlines for his suggestion that airlines no longer provide free meals to passengers, which quickly became an industry standard. This move threw thousands of the airlines’ kitchen employees out of work, including the chefs, all of whom had trouble finding employment as chefs anywhere else, for rather obvious reasons.

    This year’s award will be presented to Charles Odlum of Spirit Airlines for his idea of charging a premium for certain seats on the plane. At the same he advocated providing less legroom for every other seat, which had the double-barrel effect of inducing more passengers to upgrade, while squeezing in a few more seats on each already-crowded airliner.

     It will surprise no one in the star-studded audience if, on Christmas Day, Mr. Odlum makes his long-awaited announcement that Spirit Airlines has installed coin-operated pay toilets on all its jetliners.

   Mr. Odlum’s proposal to the FAA that Spirit Airlines be allowed to sell standing room on its shorter flights is still under consideration.

    In his acceptance speech, advance copies of which were made available to this Blog, Mr. Odlum thanked his peers in the industry for following his lead in reducing passenger comfort, raising prices and increasing profits. Once scoffed at for his ‘pillow and blanket’ approach to increasing profits, his ideas are now eagerly adopted by the major airlines.

   He chided the CEO’s of the two airlines that didn’t charge passengers for their checked baggage as “traitors” and lambasted those passengers who complained that their checked bags spent the night at a different city than the passenger as “troublemakers and probably Muslims or illegals.”

    At the close of his speech Odlum uttered his favorite expression, “I never met a passenger I didn’t want to screw!” which brought the black-tied crowd to its feet with a roar that could be heard on Park Avenue.