HEADLINES FROM OTHER NEWS MEDIA 12/12/12

HILLARY CLINTON WILL “SLEEP ON IT”

     The New York Times reported that Secretary of State and former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is scheduled to leave position in the Obama administration soon after January 1, 2013.  A Times reporter interviewed Secretary of State Clinton’s secretary (and close confidant) and learned that Clinton is expected to take her time making a decision about running for president in 2016. “She’s going to sleep on it” her secretary opined and winked as she concluded, “and the ‘it’ isn’t her hubby.”

CLINT EASTWOOD HIRES AGENT

     VARIETY reported that Clint Eastwood has had to resort to hiring an agent to obtain speaking engagements ever since his appearance at The Republican National Convention when he carried on a conversation with an empty chair. 

Mr. Eastwood was quoted in the newspaper as saying, “Even the National Rifle Association won’t touch me with a ten foot bazooka.”

     The agent, who spoke only on condition that his name not be used, reported that his agency had also made overtures to the Defense Contractors Association, The Tea Party, KOCH Industries and the Furniture Manufacturers Association among others.

   The agent told the reporter that Eastwood blamed the fiasco at the Republican National Convention on his former co-star Clyde, the orangutan, who Clint said was supposed to be at the convention and sit in the chair. “Clyde forgot about the appointment, ” Clint said wistfully.

     VARIETY was unable to contact Clyde to verify this assertion.

SPIRIT AIR TO INTRODUCE COIN OPERATED PAY TOILETS ON ALL OF ITS LONGER FLIGHTS

     Air Transport News reported that Spirit Airlines, an industry leader in cutting costs and passenger comfort, will announce on Christmas Day that all of its jetliners will have coin-operated pay toilets installed on all its flights of over one hour.

    Air Transport News contacted all the other major air carriers and learned that they have adopted a, “Wait and Pee attitude”.

    To soften the blow a bit, Spirit’s CEO added that all passengers who have purchased upgraded seating will receive one free token. He scoffed at the rumor that passengers would have to bring aboard their own toilet tissue. “Just because we put an end to free carry-on-bags doesn’t mean we don’t have a heart,” the executive  added.